


I Choose...

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 22:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16921389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You love your boyfriend, Castiel.  You really do…but you can’t help but be pulled towards him… Dean Winchester.





	I Choose...

You relaxed in the bunker as you sipped your tea.  You were leaned back against your boyfriend, Castiel.  He had taken his trench coat off and draped it over you like a blanket, his arms were wrapped around you as your head laid on his chest as the two of you watched some random movie from Netflix.

 

“I love you.”  Castiel said softly as he kissed your hair, pulling you closer. 

 

You smiled as you snuggled into him, whispering a soft ‘I love you’ back.  And it was true.  You did love Castiel.  You loved him so much it hurt…but there was something in the back of your mind that you couldn’t shake, a voice in the back of your mind that make your heart ache when you whispered those three little words.  _How can you truly love him…if you love Dean?  You can’t love two people like that, not at the same time_. 

 

You sighed as you felt some tears sting your eyes, but you couldn’t let them fall.  Cas was always so attentive, if just one slipped by, he would know something was wrong.  He would ask, and you didn’t know how you would tell him. 

 

How do you tell someone that you love them…but at the same time love their best friend? 

 

You weren’t sure how it started…not entirely.  You had been with Castiel for about a year now, and you couldn’t be more in love… or so you thought.

 

It was a couple months ago that you were walking through the bunker, on your search for coffee, when you overheard Sam and Dean talking in kitchen.

 

“You need to tell her, she deserves to know.”

 

“I can’t do that to her, or Cas…”  Dean said softly.  You stopped in your tracks as you heard the heartbreak and sadness, the sorrow in his voice, and it made you want to go in and wrap him up in a big hug and fix his problem, but you couldn’t…it was obvious they were talking about you.

 

“But you love her!  You have been in love with her for years!”  Sam countered, which made your heart pound at his words.

 

Dean loved you…for years?  How could you not have seen it?  You thought of every time you jokingly flirted with him, all the times…  You heard the heartache in his voice, and you knew then, that your actions, your feelings, were hurting him. 

 

You snuggled further into Cas’ chest as you let your eyes flutter closed as you tried to think.  If you were being honest, you were always attracted to Dean, who wouldn’t be.  In fact, when you first started hunting with them, you had a huge crush on Dean…but you never thought you had a chance.  So when Cas asked you out for a date, you hadn’t hesitated.  He was a nice guy…er, angel…he was kind, sweet, caring, drop dead gorgeous.  And over time, you fell in love with him, and he with you.

 

The two of you spent your nights in each other arms, whispering sweet nothings.  Talking about stars, or galaxies, or movies, or music.  Anything and everything.  He was everything you had ever wanted in a relationship…but he…he wasn’t Dean.

 

Your heart broke at that thought.  How could you do this to Castiel?  He loved you, how could you say such a thing?!  You screamed at yourself in your mind. 

 

This was a conversation you had thousands of times over the last couple months, all cumulating in that final question…who do you love more?  Who are you truly in love with?

 

Was it Castiel?  That adorable angel who loved and cared for you more than anyone you had ever been with before.  The one who comes to your aid whenever you call, always there to give you a sweet kiss on the forehead and hold you close when you cry.  The one to go out in the middle of the night for some random snack you are craving, the one you spent so many nights making love to…

 

Or was it Dean?  Was it the man who had always been out of your reach?  The man who could always make you smile, no matter how angry or sad you were.  The one who would throw himself in harm’s way to keep you safe.  The one who always had a good morning, beautiful for you, or had those corny jokes that you loved…loved…

 

You let your eyes open and you looked up to Castiel, who was giving you a heartbroken look.  “Cas?  What’s wrong?”  His eyes looked away and you saw a tear run down his face.  He was crying…you never saw Castiel cry.  You reached up to wipe the tear from his face, to comfort him, but then it hit you…he knew.

 

He knew about your torn heart…had he…had he been listening this whole time?

 

“Yes, I have.”  Castiel said in his deep voice.  But it cracked halfway through, making you begin to have tears fall down your face.  “I…I have known for some time.  I thought with time it would pass…but it does not seem that it will.” 

 

“Cas…I’m…I’m so sorry.”  You managed to get out, but he had already shifted you off of him and was standing up.  “Cas, please, wait!”  You cried out as you grabbed his hand.  “I do love you, Castiel.  I love you so much.” 

 

Castiel looked over his shoulder.  And although it was wrong to think…his blue eyes never looked more beautiful, than with those tears reflecting the blue into a brighter shade.  “I know you do.  As I know that I love you.  I would give my grace if it meant I could stay by your side, I would cast myself from heaven to remain by your side…but I want your happiness more than anything.” 

 

He turned and grabbed your hand with his before giving you a tear soaked kiss on your forehead.  “Think about what truly makes you happy.  And if it is me…”  He looked into your eyes as he wiped away some tears.  “I will come when you call.  But…but if it is Dean, I will step aside, and allow you to be happy.  Dean is a good man, I know he will treat you right.  As long as you are happy.”  His words were kind, but his voice made them heartbreaking and you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

 

“No…no, Cas, please!”  You cried out.  Your heart broke, you couldn’t lose him.  You loved him so much, you couldn’t lose Castiel…  “Don’t leave me.” 

 

“I am leaving…  I am giving you space to make your decision.” Cas then stepped back, and he was gone. 

 

Sobs racked through your body, making you shake as you cried out for him.  You prayed, screamed, pleaded, and begged…but he never came back, he never just appeared before you as he always had. 

 

The next few hours were a blur as it was drowned in tears, and pain, and heartache.  But it was in those hours that you had come to a revelation.  Castiel was willing to step aside, for your happiness…he loved you that much.  And here you were, doubting your love for him…and Dean…you were playing with their emotions, this whole time. 

 

You were a horrible person, you said to yourself over and over again.  You didn’t deserve Cas’ love…or Dean’s.  Maybe if you never knew about it you wouldn’t be so conflicted…or maybe Cas was just a stand in for Dean?  Your mind screamed at you, repeating over and over again, ‘how could you say you love him, if you think like that!’

 

You cried as you went into your room and packed up everything you owned, putting it into a duffle as you prepared to do the only decent thing you could think of.  Your feelings were breaking Cas, hurting Dean, and killing you…you had to leave. 

 

When you zipped up your duffle…you realized that there was only one person who had been going through your head, one person who you realized that it would kill you to leave…the person you really loved.  Your heart called out for that person, but you wouldn’t let your mind make that call…you had to leave…you didn’t deserve him…not anymore. Not after two months of questioning everything, going back and forth between Cas and Dean…he deserved someone who would love him wholly, no doubts, no questions…always. 

 

So you wrote a quick note, and disappeared into the night.

 

000

 

Sam walked down the hallway to get you.  He called your phone, but you had a bad habit of putting it on silent, so he figured you didn’t realized he and Dean were back yet.  He turned the corner and stared into your room without a second thought.  He noted that something seemed off, but just played it off as a tired mind from their long drive back.

 

That was when he turned and saw a small note on your nightstand.  He picked it up to read it, but decided against it when he noted that it wasn’t his name at the top.  But as he went to put it back, one phrase caught his eye, and he was pulled in.

 

He read over note and felt his stomach clench.  He held the note in his hand and walked down to the library, where Dean and Castiel were sitting in silence.  Cas had popped into the car on their way back and explained what happened with you, how he was letting you choose who you would be happiest with. He and Dean made a gentlemen’s agreement of sorts, saying that whoever she chose, the other would back off…but now…

 

“Guys…”  Sam said with a sorrowful voice as he held out the note to them. 

 

Castiel was quick to take it from him, Dean leaning over to read the note along with his friend.  They looked at each other for a moment before looking back down to the note…written to the one you chose.

 

_I choose you.  I love you, I always have, and I’m sorry that I questioned it.  I wish I could stay by your side, be in your arms every night, to love you…but I can’t.  I don’t deserve your love, not anymore, I don’t think I ever did.  I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you.  Goodbye, my love._


End file.
